Note for anyone else reading this: I’m not on social media. I don't write publicly. I wrote this here only so my future self can come back and read it one day. This is for me, not for validation. This is my first and last blog. So you can skip and if I have option to hide it I'll hide it.

Today at 03:48 AM I’m writing this only for myself.

I’m at a point where I need to record what I was thinking, what I believed, and how things actually turned out so that in the future I don’t lie to myself about this phase.

I moved through Div4 problems, then Div3 problems while practicing. I solved around 300 problems. Offline, without pressure, things felt good. I could solve B, C, sometimes D. I started looking at other people’s rating graphs clean, exponential rises. Somewhere inside, I assumed mine would look similar if I just worked hard enough.

I planned everything in my head. Give Div3. Solve a few problems. Get a good rank. Build confidence. Keep growing.

I took this seriously enough that I quit my internship and decided to dedicate one full year only to CP. Not because anyone supported it actually, it was the opposite. No support, constant taunts, people questioning my life every day. But I still chose this, because for once I cared about something difficult and meaningful.

Then came my first Div3 contest.

Nothing went how I imagined.

I solved A slowly. I read B and C and understood them. I kept second-guessing small things. Frustration built up. Eventually, I quit the contest midway.

That moment hurt more than I expected.

The next day, I solved those same problems calmly. One of them was just simple implementation. That’s when reality hit me hard, solving problems offline and performing in a contest are completely different skills.

How naive my expectations were… how lonely this life and this path are… how materialistic this family and these people are… how terrible their judgements are...