I guess we are just different then. I can't force myself to do something painful for a long time and consider it "normal state".

I can't, I'm useless.

Thanks for the remark. You're probably partly right. But I have nowhere else to write, and it seems like people sympathize with me more than they get annoyed. I think if I were seriously breaking CF's rules, someone from the administration would have warned me by now. Thanks for caring about the rules of CF, but you’d be better off doing something useful :3

I don’t really understand what you’re talking about. Fatigue isn’t the end of life. But I don’t like this state.

Let’s compare to, for example, physical pain. You don’t like banging your head against a wall, and you probably won’t be able to convince yourself that it’s “just one of the normal states.” I feel about physical exhaustion the same way I feel about pain. I don’t like it. I can tolerate it, but banging my head against a wall for half an hour a day... Sooner or later, it becomes unbearably difficult to keep going.

There are infinitely many things I use to distract myself. I won’t list them all, but I’ll say that competitive programming is one of them. And I think it’s obvious that to become red, I’ve spent quite a lot of time on it. But distraction doesn't help.

Anyway, thanks.

I often share many of my thoughts with my best friend. I’m not sure how much it actually helps, though. But thank you.

No, I can't take another one like this...

I'm glad that everything turned out well. Thank you, I'll think about your words.

I think the Codeforces community is friendly enough. Especially compared to some gaming communities (if you know what I mean). Yes, there are some fools, but I’m used to ignoring them. Though in this blog, at first, I tried to reply to everyone. Now I sometimes skip messages, but I still try.

Humiliation based on rating... Well, in my opinion, any external traits influence how we perceive people. I think, to some extent, we are all sexists, racists, ratists, and so on. Sometimes I try myself in the role of a teacher and realize that I conduct exams slightly differently for girls and boys. I try not to, but it happens subconsciously. Racism is probably minimal in me, but it’s there in some form. As for "ratism" — yes, I have a bias toward people with high ratings. When Um_nik left his comment, I even wrote to him in DMs and asked a couple of questions, even though I never messaged anyone else first from this account. But I try to read all messages and hear everyone. And to be honest, the most valuable advice I’ve received so far came from gray and cyan people.

I don’t mind messaging, but I don’t always have time for it. I try to eventually reply to all emails that require a response, though sometimes with delays. I’m not ready to communicate in any other way for now.

Thanks!

I know how bad habits work. It might help once or twice, but in the end, it will stop working, unfortunately. I already have one addiction, and I don’t want to have two more.

I think I described it clearly in the blog. To hear similar stories. To answer questions. To get advice.

Well, just like someone might not see the solution to a difficult problem because it requires some unusual approach, I also can’t imagine how one can "just be dumb and happy."

And if you (by any chance) really don’t want to offend anyone, I’d recommend not starting your message with the words "you really are just a bitch" :)

Depression is not related to your color on Codeforces. Well, it might be, but I can hardly imagine that.

I'm trying sometimes. It distracts from the world but doesn't make me happy.

Due to certain circumstances, this is difficult, but I’m considering it.

Well, I'm not looking for happiness on CF.

If you can do something (just do stupid things, just stop caring about the meaning of life), it doesn’t mean that everyone can.

And I’m really glad that even people like you can live a normal life, it really does restore my faith in life. Not in my own, of course, but in life as a concept.

My soul has already been eaten; there’s no need to feed it to anyone else.

Thanks.

If you want to give your valuable advice, don't write nonsense

Go and read the blog first

Pain... Without love...

Well, to me that sounds like telling someone who got shot in the leg, "Don't worry, just remember it's just a tiny bullet, understand that you're stronger than this."

Noted.

In cinemas from February 14.

Oh, you are newbie? Just become red then!

Thanks.

Everyone says that sports, running, and exercise are only hard for the first few weeks, and then it should get easier. But I tried going to the gym, and it never got easier for me. On the contrary, it started to irritate me more and more. I don’t understand, maybe we are just built differently.

But okay, thanks, I’ll think about trying again.

Well, it seems we're in the same boat. Or rather, not even a boat, but a submarine.

Think. Sometimes it helps.

Probably. Sometimes I think (or rather dream) about what will happen to me if the depression ends. Will it leave me with a fear that will haunt me for life? Or, on the contrary, will it make me stronger because I will know what I am capable of enduring?

Same here.

Well, maybe someday we'll switch places.

Thanks.

I sometimes play games, maybe even more than I should. It helps to distract me, but I wouldn't say I feel joyful afterward. With friends, yes.

Well, we all will die someday. I don't think I can influence that in any way.

Aaand the first question is... What is the meaning of life?

Noted.

What else is overrated? Water? Food? Life?

Not very inspiring, but I can't forbid you from thinking that way.

Thank you.

Milky Way, Orion Arm, Oort Cloud, Solar System, Planet Earth. I don't want to be more specific.

I think about this from time to time. Right now, my circumstances aren't the best for it, but someday, I guess it will happen.

I tried. And after initial couple of awkward moments, it became much worse. So I stopped.

It seems you haven’t read the blog carefully enough. I went to a therapist. To many therapists.

Let's... hope together, I guess?

I can't agree with everything, but the fact that I'm my own worst enemy is undeniable. After all, if I didn’t exist, there wouldn’t be any problems.

I don’t think many girls know what a red programmer is.

To be alone with the person I hate the most? Doesn’t sound like a plan.

But I’ve noted it down, alright.

Oh, I knew someone who didn’t believe in depression. I knew many like that, but one was too close to me. It ended badly. Painfully. I spent more than a year in bed, unable to get up. So I’d rather not deal with such people anymore. Thank you.

Oh, my friend, I’ve been figuratively screaming so loud that I’ve already lost my figurative voice... It hurts to realize that I’m making my closest friends share this burden with me, and it hurts to see that they sincerely try to help but can’t. Well, at least it gives me motivation to pull myself out of this and finally repay them.

I don’t think this state can be worsened by anything. If CF people take my time — so be it. I don’t mind.

You are not red no need to be stupid just become GM its ez

One friend once told me, "Tell a girl that you're a programmer, and she's yours."

I tried. It doesn't work.

I hope everything turns out well for you.

I started reading it a couple of years ago. I'll think about continuing. Thank you.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do it blows your whole leg off.

You should write a book. With such an advertisement, it would sell wonderfully.

I also advise this to myself, not always successfully though.

Maybe it all started because of an unsuccessful relationship – my girlfriend left me. And unfortunately, I don't know how to find a girlfriend.

I probably feel all sorts of emotions, but they seem to fade against the backdrop of depression.

There are some difficulties with that... But OK.

Yes, I don’t find joy in anything.

It’s hard to describe what I feel when I get an Accepted on a difficult problem. Something good, probably. But, you see, it’s not the kind of feeling that makes me want to live. Even if I felt this way constantly, I still wouldn’t want to live.

I wouldn’t say that memories bring me joy. I spend some time in them, but more often, they just push me deeper into a state where I want to scream, “Why is everything so bad?”

I’ve tried doing something new (I don’t want to say what exactly), but I didn’t notice anything special.

I don’t notice the value in little things either. I don’t know what’s so good about feeling the wind or looking at green trees. Well, I can guess why it might bring joy to others, but it doesn’t bring any to me.

Can I redirect my thoughts? I don’t know. It depends on from where and to where. I guess I can focus on a contest. Sometimes.

Stupid and happy.

I hope.

Yeah, I also really doubt that getting LGM would help in any way. I’m not really striving for it, to be honest. It’s just that when people start saying, "Set a goal and work towards it", I think about it as a goal that might at least motivate me a little.

I guess I just want to believe that there’s some kind of magic pill that will help me. That if I, for example, find a wife, then I’ll be able to enjoy life. Maybe that’s not even a bad thing — it at least makes me do something, search for that pill or thing. Even if it’s not true.

Well, I still try to do these "stupid things". Hobbies, socializing. Maybe not very successfully, but I try. Except that I struggle with sports — it really annoys me, and I don’t know how to force myself. But we’ll see, maybe I’ll find some kind of sport that works for me.

Thanks anyway.

And... I hope you’ll get through this. I wouldn’t wish this state on anyone.

No. I don’t have an answer, except for "getting rid of depression."

Yeah, of course. I understand that my depression is one of the reasons (possibly the main one) why I feel bad, and because of that, I keep being depressed. But I don’t know how to break this cycle.

I don't believe that depression is "fine". I don't believe that anyone who truly knows what depression is would consider it "fine".

Sure.

I won’t argue about it. I just believe that you’re wrong. If you need specific counterarguments, ask ChatGPT. I can do it for you:

Life is undeniably full of suffering, uncertainty, and challenges, but it also contains moments of beauty, connection, and meaning. While happiness is fleeting, so is pain — both come and go like waves. True peace may not come from controlling life but from learning to navigate its unpredictability with resilience and purpose. Even in darkness, people find ways to create, love, and inspire, proving that life is more than just survival. Acceptance is important, but so is the courage to seek joy and meaning despite life's hardships.

My observations suggest that your point of view is incorrect.

Understood.

Thanks for the advice.

Maybe eternal happiness really doesn’t exist. But it feels like my problem isn’t the absence of eternal happiness — it's more about the complete lack of happiness. Or even something like happiness.

I do play games, maybe even too much. But like many other things, it’s more of a distraction than something that actually improves my mood.

I probably really should start exercising. But it irritates me, and I have a lot of mental blocks that make it hard. I don’t know how to overcome them yet.

• I’ve always seen intellectual work as good and physical work as bad.
• I don’t think that exercising would significantly increase my chances of finding a partner.
• And if a girl’s deciding factor is that I work out, do I really need that kind of relationship?
• I don't feel like it improves my mental state.

Of course, these are just excuses. My brain is just trying to justify laziness. I tried forcing myself to do it, but I couldn't keep it up for long — maybe two or three months.

OK. Thanks.

At least, there is still some hope.

I went to one doctor for over 30 sessions (once a week), and it didn’t have any effect. I also took each medication for at least two or three months, and most of them had no effect either. So, I don’t know.

I have a best friend who has been by my side for all these years, someone I tell everything to, and that’s truly the best thing I have. But when I open up to anyone else, it feels like it only makes our relationship worse.

Anyway, thanks!

Yeah, maybe that would help a little. But it’s incredibly hard to find someone I’d love who would love me back. At least for me.

Noted. Thanks.

Although I guess I already have enough philosophy inside myself.

:/

Crucio!

I wouldn’t wish this state on even my worst enemy. So if that’s true, I sympathize.

:/

Life is temporary — that’s for sure.

Just because you don't know the point doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

My main concern is the depression itself — the fact that nothing makes me happy. I can't break this concern down into smaller pieces.

Can't argue with any of your statements.

I've tried something like that, but I didn't notice anything good from it. Though, maybe I was doing it wrong.

I'll quit when the time comes.

Noted. Thanks.

Although I guess I already have enough philosophy inside myself.

I've taken a lot of different medications, and most of them had no effect at all. I don’t know, maybe my depression is somewhat unusual.

I get what you’re saying — there was one thing that did have an effect on my brain, but I wouldn’t say it was very strong effect. Roughly speaking, maybe -100 rating or so.

In childhood, I think random things made me happy. I don’t know — a good movie, a video game. But I don’t remember that time very well.

At the beginning of my depression, relationships brought me joy. I had a few not-so-great relationships, but overall, they made me happy. I kept trying to find a partner afterward, but unsuccessfully. At some point, I started to feel like even if I did find someone, it wouldn’t fix my life. I don’t know if that’s true, but even if a good partner could improve my life, right now, it feels like finding them would be harder than making the first letter of my nickname black.

OK.

Well, my own feelings and the doctor's conclusions? In general, I don’t really care what this state is called. Is there any alternative explanation?

Yeah, I guess it's that easy to fool me.

Sure. But maybe there is a way to escape suffering without dying?

My goal is to be happy. Yeah, maybe it's so abstract that it might as well not exist. But I can't break it down into simpler goals.

Maybe someday, out of desperation, I'll give it a try.

Sorry, but your words don’t resonate with me. I don't want to live by those principles.

Noted.

I don't know. Nothing brings me joy. I don’t know how to understand the cause any better.

I do what I do just out of inertia. Because without it, things would probably be even worse — though I’m not really sure.

If there were something that brought me joy and that I could do, I’d be doing it. But I don’t know of anything like that.

No, distraction is not what I want. I want joy, I want to want to live. I just want to be happy in the end.