Hi.
I have depression. I'm 24, and for the past seven years, I haven't wanted to live. I'm trying to fight it somehow — traveling, picking up new hobbies, improving in old ones. I went through therapies and medications. But it doesn’t help. Nothing brings me joy.
My main account is red. In real life, I try to be cheerful, and only a few of my friends know about my depression, so I don’t want to write from that account. I have a good job, I have friends. From the outside, many would say I have a good life. Honestly, if I knew about someone else’s life with these characteristics but didn’t know about their depression, I would be envious myself.
So… I don’t think posting this will help, but I thought — what if writing here does something? After all, competitive programming is one of the main things in my life, so why not? Maybe this post won’t go unnoticed, and someone will share a similar story, ask me something, or give advice.
Thank you.
P.S. I'm not sure if this email is working, but if you want to send me something directly, you can give it a try: antemortem_codeforces@proton.me. If I don't respond for a long time, you can also try direct messaging me here, on CF (but better try emailing first because of codeforces messaging limits).
Believe me, we have a similar story. When I joined IIT Guwahati I was depressed because I was unable to get a better college. I worked really hard for the past 3 years but still ended up in Guwahati. But in the next 4 years, I learned many things, made many friends joined the coding community, and also got a good job. I feel bad for people who tend to lose their fight against depression. I like to cheer them up and help them. Because I was only 17 when I caught up with depression. I stopped talking to my parents or anyone else but slowly time healed me. Now I don't regret getting into Guwahati. God always has a plan for you. Sometimes u should just stop fighting and let it go.
Maybe we can go through and help you out.
Can we please connect? We can be good friends. We can chat constantly and you can guide me on how to improve my rating in codeforces. We can be good friends, and meanwhile, it might bring u out of depression. Please feel free to dm me ur WhatsApp number or send it to my Gmail. subham.bhakat01@gmail.com
Thanks for the suggestion. I think all the advice I could give has already been written all over the internet. But you can try reaching out to me at antemortem_codeforces@proton.me.
Yes, I know I'm not the only one like this. Although, to be honest, doctors have told me way too often smth like "this pill helps 70% of people" — and when it didn’t work, I became more and more convinced that my case was somehow special.
After 1.5 years of hard work, I ended up at NIT Rourkela with a Mechanical branch. I am in my pre-final year and still haven't received any interview calls. However, I still believe that everything will turn out well in the end. it is just a matter of time.
Same here bro . Humare yaha abhi oncampus Nvidia aayi hai but my branch is not allowed :/
Your hardwork is top notch keep going.
No matter how bad your life gets, just know that Hell is much worse. Anyway, why don't you try to do $$$1$$$ new thing each day? They can be small things; it doesn't matter. After a week, you will be proud of the $$$7$$$ new things you did.
I don't believe in hell. Anyway, I don't have thoughts about ending my life (not because I don't what to, rather because I've already thought them all through)
I've tried doing many different new things. I don't feel any better after that.
Are you exercising enough? Personally, I've found that it is hard to have a bad day if you're going outside for at least $$$1$$$ hour/day minimum. Of course, if someone you know dies or your car's gas tank lights on fire, it is hard not to have a bad day, but going outside works in $$$99$$$% of cases. And don't just go out when it is dark out. The sunlight is important.
Also, it is very nice to just drive around sometimes. Think about it: can you remember a time when you were depressed while driving?
And also, just one more thing, it could be worth checking with a doctor if you are deficient in anything.
Not right now, but there were periods when I went to the gym two or three times a week for several months. It didn’t help — it was just frustrating.
I try to go for walks sometimes. But it's more out of desperation than because it actually helps.
Yeah, I’ve done several tests—the ones the doctors requested. Everything seems to be normal.
I'm assuming that the gym you went to is an inside gym. I think that the sun and the outside air are really important to whatever causes people to be happy. Running inside on a treadmill is just not the same as running outside under the sun. And imo, it is running and vigorous cardio (swimming, biking, hiking, rock climbing) that really help with depression, not weight lifting. Walking is okay, but it is not vigorous. Don't do biking, though, because no one likes those guys.
Basically, what I'm saying is that I think you should do some vigorous exercise for at least $$$30$$$ minutes $$$every\,\,day$$$, and then spend the other $$$30$$$ mins just walking around outside. Doing it sometimes might not be enough. That is my advice.
trust that doesnt really Help. I have tried this, I have tried all the things, tried Dancing, did good, but didnt help. Made a good Project, one even has daily user count of 200 approx.,didnt help. Learnt ML, GenAI, AWS and did really well, but nothing was exciting, then started CP, and now I am here. My only Question from Life is, What do I want to do in Life, from the starting of the life, I had no friends, but I was never depressed, now also I dont have anyone, but now feels like a wasted guy, who roam here and there to figure out what to do, Nothing excites me now :(
Is this same guy his single-serving friend?
Voicu, NU esti el. Buddy iei locul 1 la ONI si stai suparat pe scena... Get a life
Cauta-ti de lucru.
what on earth red coder have depression? I actually have a depression that no matter how hard I try I'll never become red coder. you are smart man bro don't be depressed
Actually, I think that being 'smart' in some way is what causes my depression. Fighting depression, as I see it, is often about self-deception — and it's not so easy to deceive a smart opponent.
Regarding hard efforts — yeah, I suppose some people find it easier, while others struggle more. I think that if you enjoy it, then it doesn’t really matter how fast you grow.
Don't know if it helps man, but emotions and so forth and more related towards perception than intelligence, and so what I've (personal experience and observations, I don't have any scientific to back this up) noticed is that smart people are usually just better at convincing themselves of their perception of the environment.
I understand you. And you have really got nice tries. And you really get much bravery to write it out. Developing new hobbies are good ways, but you should think of something that you love from heart. CP must be one. Find something you love just like CP. I recommend reading, especially psychology. Maybe you can cure yourself.
And you can seek help from psychology experts.
Hope you will something you love.
It doesn’t take much bravery to write this anonymously. Moreover, I have a bit of paranoia that someone might try to track me down. It feels like a pointless fear — I don’t know who would need to do that or why. But I don’t think 'bravery' is the right word for it.
I've tried many different things. There are some that don’t irritate me, like CP and several others. I try to do them more often, but even if I spend the whole day on such activities, I don’t feel like it was a good day.
I did not mean there may be someone who want to track you down. Nobody will do that. I appreciate speaking it out ,no matter online or offline.
Maybe you can just live with depression. It's not scary really. My friend said it's just like cold. A few friends of mine has depression too. Living with it will not do something bad and it reflects your characteristics.
It doesn't matter if you're anonymous or if you're still scared. Asking for help is always brave and it's an important thing to do in such situations
why do you view it as self deception? as long as that occurs, your attempts to fight it will feel fake to yourself.
What does "Don't be depressed" even mean? If he knew how, would he write a blog asking for advice?
Being smart doesn't automatically make you live the ideal life. And no one is too old/smart/anything to face any kind of problem or difficulty (I'm not talking about mental health only)
I don't think that was a serious piece of advice. I guess he tried to be supportive.
I'm not sure why he said that, but this kind of things are said all the time, not necessarily with bad intentions, and well... they shouldn't. A lot of people might think they shouldn't feel the way they feel because "others have it worse" etc, and that can only make things worse
I didn't mean to sound aggressive before, I just wanted to make a point
This is the advice I once got from my very good friend. If you feel like you don't know how to get over your feelings, I strongly encourage you to see therapist. I used to have strong prejudice against them, seeing myself as superior in intelligence and not seeking advice about myself from other people. But I am sure that this should help you, as long as you find a good therapist. I really hope you try this out, you are not alone in this.
Why you have depression?
If I knew exact reason, I might have beaten it by now.
Not exactly but can you tell possiblities?
I’m not really sure what you want to hear.
Physically, it’s probably something like neural connections or hormones in my brain not working the way they should, which makes me feel no pleasure or desire to live.
Psychologically, it’s hard to say — maybe some biases I was raised with by my parents, maybe some unsuccessful relationships.
As you also said in previous comment that if you knew the reason you might have beaten it.So according to me trying any thing is just like a patient is suffering from some unknown disease and just randomly try medicines and hoping that it may cure the disease.So just try to find the cause, what's the reason why are you depressed?
I don't think there is any physical issue since you are suffering from 7 years, So psychologically tell why are you sad?
one and only solution for depression is love .your heart should beat for someone. then u will realize that your life is not only important for u, it is important for them too...tons of love from india
There was a time when I thought love was the solution to my problems. I tried searching, spent several years looking, but never found anyone. It's hard to find someone I like (as a partner) who also likes me (as a partner) back.
Simple solution:
Find a purpose in life and start working tirelessly towards it. You'll end up in a situation where you won't have time for overthinking.
I might not be the best person to give lecture on fighting depression because I probably was never into it. I'm 22 and kind of a confident guy who thinks he's is best and can achieve anything. Lost my father few years back and gone through series of failures (more like having high expectations with less work input). But what basically keeps me moving is my purpose which I assume is noble and big.
My goal, like most people’s, is to be happy. But I don’t see a way to achieve it.
I don't know much, but whenever I feel depressed, good music always helps me. Maybe there is something for you too. Actually, in this cruel world, just living also needs courage. Not everybody can make it till the end. But I think you're doing a great job.
Music is really a great thing. At first, it helped me a lot. It still helps a little even now.
Problem is — it helps distract from life, but it doesn’t help find joy in it.
Isn't being constantly distracted is what one wants in life? So that you don't have enough time to live in your own head. What do you mean by joy , there's no perfect definition of joy , the small moments you have with random things in life is joy , I'm sure that this joy isnt satisfactory but by slight altercations in your thought process it "might" get better
Question yourself: Why do I do what I do? What do I truly want? To feel content with oneself, one ought to hold dear a sense of purpose. As you said, your work, the cheerful facade that you put over yourself, and your traveling and picking up new hobbies may be what your environment and society expect from you, but not your own wishes and wants. When you have a persona that's too different from who you are and what you really feel inside, those two sides of you start to develop a disconnection. You probably couldn't realize it, as it's not often a palpable enough feeling — but the scariest part is that it builds up slowly, but surely. And before you know it, the discrepancy's so strong that nothing gives joy to the person inside you. Many pieces of advice on the internet may make sense, but it's hard to stumble upon just the right advice amongst millions of them.
And again: What do I truly want? Why do I do what I do? Even if it's just a glimmer of it, there always lies hope within purpose. As long as you hold onto that feeling dear, at the very least, you'll have hope. Take a look around you, above you, beneath you, and inside you. It might be something so seemingly subtle that you simply had glossed over it long before. Right now, I made my purpose to find my purpose — I'm still trying to find my purpose, too. Even though I'm a total beginner when it comes to coding and what I wrote here may not relate to you, as a fellow Codeforces user, I thought I'd leave this here. I wish you all the best!
I do what I do just out of inertia. Because without it, things would probably be even worse — though I’m not really sure.
If there were something that brought me joy and that I could do, I’d be doing it. But I don’t know of anything like that.
If you yourself can't think of anything that gives you joy, I'm in no place to advise you precisely what you should do but tell you to challenge yourself — take on an insurmountable task; the fulfillment during or after the process, mayhaps will give you joy.
no one has any true reason, we are constantly in the pursuit of finding that reason and that's why we continue to live. you will constantly change and so will your friends, that reason will never stay the same, if anything, there probably is no end goal for life, rather it may be an endless loop of life and death. only thing we can do as humans is to take the intellectual curiosity we have been given with pride and strive for reason.
there is too much to discover and think about to ruminate on whether we feel happy or sad doing something that pushes us forward. it is better to move forward than to stagnate at every step in order to decide whether you will feel happy about moving forward or not. Otherwise, you lose out on all the other incredible stuff you could've seen and experienced due to the time wasted on hesitation of your perception.
Sorry, but your words don’t resonate with me. I don't want to live by those principles.
If you have already try so many solutions but still one solution is missing and that is why we as living organisms living in this world and why on earth and what is the real purpose that we have to fulfill and born with and how this cycle of life and death will end so what I am saying is no one has control over their mind and all living beings are living on their senses and the pleasure they find through their senses so why don't you start reading sanskrit scriptures like geeta etc you will definitely find this helpful because I was also like you at some point in my life everything was going well but my mind was completely in reverse direction it thinks lot or I should say mainly overthinking making even smaller problems big enough to give panic attacks
Maybe someday, out of desperation, I'll give it a try.
Why do you believe so firmly that you have depression?
Well, my own feelings and the doctor's conclusions? In general, I don’t really care what this state is called. Is there any alternative explanation?
I'd suggest that you just try to forget about the doctor's conclusion, believe that there's nothing wrong with you, and just continue your life as normal as you can. Do not be troubled by something if you find that you are not getting joy doing it. Overall, just do what you think you should be doing at your age. I heard that this is a good cure for many mental disease.
And I'm still curious about your feelings and have some questions. Have you ever experienced joy in your life? Can you still remember how that moment feels if you did?
In childhood, I think random things made me happy. I don’t know — a good movie, a video game. But I don’t remember that time very well.
At the beginning of my depression, relationships brought me joy. I had a few not-so-great relationships, but overall, they made me happy. I kept trying to find a partner afterward, but unsuccessfully. At some point, I started to feel like even if I did find someone, it wouldn’t fix my life. I don’t know if that’s true, but even if a good partner could improve my life, right now, it feels like finding them would be harder than making the first letter of my nickname black.
I have been considering taking anti-depressants for a long time but am scared that they will make me dumber. Have you noticed any significant difference in your cognitive function (processing speed, working memory) when you’re on them as compared to when not? Somehow, I would prefer being depressed and a little bit smarter.
Btw, this might seem like strange advice but I’ve found that reading philosophy helps me. You can try reading Schopenhauer and see if it does anything for you.
I've taken a lot of different medications, and most of them had no effect at all. I don’t know, maybe my depression is somewhat unusual.
I get what you’re saying — there was one thing that did have an effect on my brain, but I wouldn’t say it was very strong effect. Roughly speaking, maybe -100 rating or so.
That's pretty unlikely. I have been taking them for some time, and depending on the exact pills you take, you might feel sleepy or some other side effect, but why would they make you dumber?
It's generally a good idea to visit a doctor and discuss your concerns with them.
Have you tried meditating? Just few minutes of meditation everyday could change your life.
quit man
there's no point
I'll quit when the time comes.
You may have a good life physically, but your soul might be suffering spiritually. Depression could be a sign that your soul is asking for help. Praying always helps me.
Can't argue with any of your statements.
I have been for the last 10 years
Bro, you are 24, have a good job, and red on Codeforces from the main account. I suggest you get married, and get busy with your family. Family can provide you with the best emotional support as far as I think. You share everything with the person you think can understand and support you. And I think that could help you to overcome it.
I don’t know if I actually had depression or if I just made it up for myself. But I think it doesn’t come from not caring about life—it’s the opposite, it comes from valuing life too much. You start asking questions that have no answers, which only pushes you deeper into self-destruction. But why even ask yourself these questions? You already know there are no answers. The more you do it, the more destructive it becomes for you. So why not care less? Train yourself to filter your thoughts—observe what you're thinking about and discard the unnecessary ones. This doesn’t happen instantly, but with consistent effort. Kind of like progressive overload. I could keep writing, but I’ve already written too much.
Another piece of advice I found for myself, which also ties into the idea of caring less—do very exhausting sports. It’s absolutely amazing. Not just cardio—push your muscles to the failure. After a workout, you stop giving a fq about life so much that even just sitting and doing nothing feels nice.
Oh, and you should talk to people, be more open and expressive. I’ve noticed that many guys don’t feel complete when they don’t have a girlfriend. But why is that? Maybe it’s because they act like the "tough guy," cool and without any internal struggles. And all of that builds up, making a girlfriend the only "pillow" to cry on.
By the way, this is just my opinion, and I don’t claim it to be the truth.
Have you tried League of Legends?
joke aside, the thing I think would actually help is to think about the things you always wanted to do as a kid and do that. If you cannot think of any then think about something you knew you should do but always procrastinated because it was boring/scary and do that. Again, if you cannot think of any, I recommend you do something that will give you adrenaline. I remember reading somewhere that adrenaline is antidote for depression.
Regarding your comments about finding a partner or starting a family, I agree that isn't straightforward thing to do as you said, it's hard to find someone you like to like you back. But if there is something you could do to improve those chances you might as well, do it.
For example, trying to improve your physical appearance or the game. That's where gym and psychology come in play. So, I'd recommend also these two things (there's also ton of other benefits of these two, some already mentioned by other comments).
Besides finding a partner one should also strive to find close group of friends and keep social connections as close as possible.
Regarding psychology and friends, I recommend you read books from Dale Carnegie. Louise Hay has also incredible books about self-love and self-heal. If you don't like to read (maybe you should give it a try), there's endless source of great videos on youtube that summarize these books and talk about them. And speaking of youtube, my favorite youtuber for self-help/self-improvement is Andrew Kirby, I can definitely recommend his videos where he talks about stoicism. Stoicism could also help you.
I want you to remember that us humans view things as compared to others, if there was only good you wouldn't feel it. Feeling bad is also important in order to feel good afterwards when things get better, and they will.
You cannot feel joyful all the time and searching for that eternal joy for me is a waste of life, world is a cruel place with lot of bad things, but you can try to enjoy it as much as you can by finding your inner peace and joy inside of your head.
Regarding my joke about League of Legends, I actually recently started playing ARAM again (chill game mode), as some kind of award or snack after some time/days of being productive/working/exercising, and it honestly helped me keep my sanity.
Wish you best of luck in the future, man.
Thanks for the advice.
Maybe eternal happiness really doesn’t exist. But it feels like my problem isn’t the absence of eternal happiness — it's more about the complete lack of happiness. Or even something like happiness.
I do play games, maybe even too much. But like many other things, it’s more of a distraction than something that actually improves my mood.
I probably really should start exercising. But it irritates me, and I have a lot of mental blocks that make it hard. I don’t know how to overcome them yet.
Of course, these are just excuses. My brain is just trying to justify laziness. I tried forcing myself to do it, but I couldn't keep it up for long — maybe two or three months.
I think you just got bored. There's no unique cure for boredom, nor a specific reason for its occurrence, so that's fine.
I don't believe that depression is "fine". I don't believe that anyone who truly knows what depression is would consider it "fine".
TL;DR: Care less and joy will come
Well, you're right. It's not that I'm trying to understate your issue; I know how tough life can be, even for people who seem to be "okay" from the outside. However, I want you to know that everything is up to a person's mindset, and the mere belief that there is no joy in life can be harmful.
For example, consider Bob. Bob concluded that he has severe depression, and he can't enjoy life anymore. Of course, Bob doesn't want to live with that, so he tries to find out the solution. He spent hours thinking to find out the reason why he feels this way, but there was nothing to complain about. Not knowing what to do, he started to do the things other people recommended. Although it worked for others, it didn't work for Bob, but Bob is consistent, so he proceeded. By the end of the day, he spent alot of time trying different things and methods to feel the joy he felt once, but it was unachievable, so it strengthened his conviction. His mind was so busy trying to fix his 'issue' that he neglected those little moments that, in Bob's opinion, don't bring that sort/level of joy he's been desperately pursuing. So Bob suffers more...
Don't take that dumb example seriously (and personally lol); I just wanted to show that the idea that you're depressed can cause even more depression. My hot take is — 'maybe to solve a problem you should just forget about it (:confounded:)'. Try to value every little moment you have. Sometimes, those little things may be crucial in your lifelong search for happiness.
I hope that is somewhat helpful.
I wouldn't say I am in a similar situation, and I don't think I can understand you completely but recently I've also been feeling hopeless and "depressed". Last time I can remember when I wasn't feeling like this was last summer, when I was hyper focused on reaching blue on codeforces. My entire summer was consumed by that goal, but I remember I was ecstatic the entire time. The reason I am saying this, is that I believe it's purpose and goals that give us happiness and make us feel not depressed. You are red and have friends and a job, but what are you working towards? What is your purpose? What do you strive to become, or what do you want to do? I don't have an answer to these questions myself yet, but I hope that you may do, or that they will atleast help you in some way.
Just want to point out that getting LGM doesn't help. I don't have any tips — I don't know how to deal with it myself. My wife (yes, you can have a wife and be depressed) said the following:
All the stupid things people recommend help. Talking to people helps. Doing physical exercises helps. Going outside helps. Getting a better sleeping schedule helps. Getting a hobby helps. But it doesn't help overnight, and nobody can say when will it help. So you have to do it while you are depressed and continue to do it until... one day you are not depressed anymore. But at the moment, it might look hopeless (that's what depression is), and it doesn't make sense to stick to all those things since it looks like they don't help.
Yeah, I also really doubt that getting LGM would help in any way. I’m not really striving for it, to be honest. It’s just that when people start saying, "Set a goal and work towards it", I think about it as a goal that might at least motivate me a little.
I guess I just want to believe that there’s some kind of magic pill that will help me. That if I, for example, find a wife, then I’ll be able to enjoy life. Maybe that’s not even a bad thing — it at least makes me do something, search for that pill or thing. Even if it’s not true.
Well, I still try to do these "stupid things". Hobbies, socializing. Maybe not very successfully, but I try. Except that I struggle with sports — it really annoys me, and I don’t know how to force myself. But we’ll see, maybe I’ll find some kind of sport that works for me.
Thanks anyway.
And... I hope you’ll get through this. I wouldn’t wish this state on anyone.
Do you truly find no joy in anything? What about experiencing something delicious, overcoming hardships (like solving a difficult problem, achieving something challenging, or winning a tough game), or witnessing the beauty of mountains, oceans, and seas while traveling?
You once mentioned recalling joy from your childhood—does remembering those moments bring you any happiness?
Many people have suggested this, but perhaps reading could help shift your perspective. Maybe try exploring the history of the places you visit—it might make seeing them in reality more meaningful and enjoyable.
Sorry for the many questions right away, but I’m just trying to understand how deep this feeling goes. You’ve said you don’t experience any joy at all. Have you considered trying something entirely new? I remember going on a roller coaster for the first time in years, and it brought me genuine joy.
What about appreciating the little things? Going for a walk, feeling the wind, admiring the green trees—just being present in the moment. That also brings up another question: are you able to convince yourself of something or redirect your thoughts when needed?
Yes, I don’t find joy in anything.
It’s hard to describe what I feel when I get an Accepted on a difficult problem. Something good, probably. But, you see, it’s not the kind of feeling that makes me want to live. Even if I felt this way constantly, I still wouldn’t want to live.
I wouldn’t say that memories bring me joy. I spend some time in them, but more often, they just push me deeper into a state where I want to scream, “Why is everything so bad?”
I’ve tried doing something new (I don’t want to say what exactly), but I didn’t notice anything special.
I don’t notice the value in little things either. I don’t know what’s so good about feeling the wind or looking at green trees. Well, I can guess why it might bring joy to others, but it doesn’t bring any to me.
Can I redirect my thoughts? I don’t know. It depends on from where and to where. I guess I can focus on a contest. Sometimes.
You don’t have to answer anything if you don’t want to. Sorry if I’m pushing too much—I just can’t imagine how hard this must be for you. It’s scary to even think about, and I guess I’m just hoping to find something, even the smallest thing, that might help lighten the weight you’re carrying. Sorry again.
I'm really sorry—I can't fully understand what you're going through. I've had moments of deep sadness after tough times, but living in that state all the time must be really hard.
I believe that everything starts in the mind. That idea has helped me in difficult times, though I’ve never gone through something as intense as what you’re describing. I wonder—could there be something from your past, like a childhood dream or an unfinished goal, that still affects you? Maybe it’s not a clear trauma, but rather a belief or expectation that has shaped your life.
The first step, I think, is figuring out why this happened. Did your mood suddenly get worse, or did it happen slowly over time? Do you remember a moment when things changed? Was it caused by a tragic event, a loss, or even a change in how you see the world? Since you used to feel joy, there must have been something that took it away.
I also wonder about other emotions. Do you still feel sadness, nostalgia, or fear? Do you get strong feelings from things like horror movies, abandoned places, or deep thoughts about life and death?
Maybe it all started because of an unsuccessful relationship – my girlfriend left me. And unfortunately, I don't know how to find a girlfriend.
I probably feel all sorts of emotions, but they seem to fade against the backdrop of depression.
Do you really need to find that one person to spend your whole life with? Many of us, including myself, were taught to believe that building a family is the ultimate goal. But is it really necessary?
Finding a truly loyal, understanding person who will always be by your side and support you in everything is incredibly difficult. So, what if that person simply doesn’t exist?
Your depression might be connected to past relationships that didn’t work out. Many people have struggled with feelings of despair because of this. But maybe the first step is accepting that you don’t necessarily need to have a partner to live a fulfilling life. There are people who genuinely enjoy their time, work, and hobbies without being in a relationship.
Being alone (without a family of your own) isn’t something strange or wrong. You can still enjoy life on your own terms. Maybe part of the struggle comes from comparing yourself to others—seeing friends with loving partners and kids and wondering, Why not me? But the truth is, everyone has their own struggles, even if they seem to have everything. There’s no perfect version of life.
I’d suggest trying to remind yourself that your situation is completely normal. If you’re comparing yourself to others—maybe even without realizing it—letting go of that weight might help you find joy again.
I hope this is at least a little helpful. And sorry for the long delay in replying.
Some things you mentioned in responses here resonate with me, so I decided to share my perspective
I'm 27 now and since the age of 14 I started to have a feeling that my life is purposeless, that everyday life is pointlessly repeated, that the world around is grey, that all the fuzz people do around is actually some kind of isolated bubble not connected to anything, thus it is pointless. I've tried digging deeper into myself to figure out what I actually feel and what I actually want. But everything I was able to "dig" is either the mirror pointing to the source of behaviour or feeling from where it is copied, or the void ensuring that I never actually felt the feeling but was rather mimicing it. I felt that I virtually deconstructed the concept of happiness such that it stopped working for me. Some other constructs also started to uncontrollably fall apart, while I was OK with never feeling envy or jealousy (in fact that was long ago before I was 14), losing other feelings was very worrying and right away dangerous (like ignoring discomfort and pain ruined my teeth).
I've talked to multiple therapists about it and they do not seem to really understand my problem, only offering a solution to consequences rather than to the cause.
Rather than looking for a "magic pill" or an outside solution I decided to look for solution from inside. I discovered that reverse process is also possible: just as you can become unreasonably unconditionally unhappy, you can be unreasonably unconditionally happy. Both mental states are very undesirable. What's more important: I discovered that it can be controlled. Just as deconstruction of a feeling is possible, constructed feelings are also possible and real. I looked at myself as a complicated tool, not necessarily having a task right now, but being able to reconfigure self to any tasks prefered. I feel that just as I learned to talk to people and to be social in the past, I learned to feel joy from arbitrary things again. Like "learned how to human". It felt something similar to going fluent with a language — at some moment every word stops demanding additional mental effort to process it, you just stop noticing it and go with the flow.
That looks like as a serious mind-bending that can lead to unpredictable consequences and I have no idea how it works for the other people. Also it is nowhere close to "final understanding" for myself too, but that's just my perspective I wanted to share.
Regardless of whether you believe in existence of "magic pill" outside solution for your depression or not you should not stop searching for them. Things that you cannot imagine at the moment can exist and can unpredictably change your life very quickly. I believe one happened to me.
Beware of using psychedelics. There is very recent horrifying story about the end of Felix Hill — well-known bright-minded scientist from DeepMind. He left the last note where he described how he had a great life and in search for a better mental health solution irreversibly ruined mental state over a single night.
Gilgamesh, where are you hurrying to? You will never find that life for which you are looking. When the gods created man they allotted to him death, but life they retained in their own keeping. As for you, Gilgamesh, fill your belly with good things; day and night, night and day, dance and be merry, feast and rejoice. Let your clothes be fresh, bathe yourself in water, cherish the little child that holds your hand, and make your wife happy in your embrace; for this too is the lot of man.
find a girlfriend :V
why? it's healthy
Read the previous comments.
One friend once told me, "Tell a girl that you're a programmer, and she's yours."
I tried. It doesn't work.
You are red no need to be depressed just be happy its ez
You are not red no need to be stupid just become GM its ez
ima touch u lil bro
Was in the same slump in my Entrance exam days and uni. But then I thought and implemented the below things(not all but some like going to a foreign country, trail riding, shooting guns and sports) and found my life significantly more fulfilled.
First, happiness is not the same as satisfaction. The former is obtained from fleeting sources and can be described as the peak of satisfaction, while the other is the average value of happiness. So, IMHO, you should strive to be satisfied, which would imply a higher "average happiness" than striving to be happy, which doesn't necessarily imply higher "average happiness". One can't be happy all the time and therefore there is bound to be a slump somewhere between two peaks. You want to maximize happiness but you are not looking to minimize slump which is objectively equally as important and perhaps even more.
So, Go outside, Travel to a foreign country(solo or with your best friend which you really feel comfortable with), meet tons of new people and experience tons of new cultures. Force yourself into situations which you know are constructive, but difficult due to your depression. Do adventure sports like rock climbing, sky-diving, bungee jumping, trail riding, longboarding, rowing, surfing, boxing, your choice. Sit on roller coasters. Pump up adrenaline and add discipline to life. Your biggest enemy is you.
Fuck substances like anti depressants and so on. The only substances you need are food and water. Learn new languages, musical instruments and so much more. And so, just go out there and just do stuff.
Beating depression is not easy brother. The best way to beat it is to not try to beat it. Do whatever you're doing while being depressed. You're smart, maybe start a startup, get buffed in the gym, get involved in sports all while being depressed.
I would suggest getting physically active, because of the dopamine hit. Try going to the gym, it might be hard at first but after the initial couple of awkward moments, it won't be that tough.
I think I feel many of the things you mention, but there are still many things that give me joy. Have you ever considered getting a dog? It might be a terrible responsibility at first, but I feel that a dog would satisfy a lot of the emotional deficit there might be. After all, they are called "man's best friend" for a reason.
Also do remember, that changes cannot be brought about until you want them to. Hope to hear back from you someday.
What region do you live in?
"Nothing brings me joy". What will you do with joy? Joy is overrated bruh
What else is overrated? Water? Food? Life?
Never thought about that. I am a little slow minded.
couple of ideas from me (based on my own experience):
I know you have recieved various pieces of Advice,and I being the most hated and wasted guy on the planet, ofc has no Advice for you. But I am just wondering what I would do, if have good Job and Coding profile like yours. ummmm, probably I would travelled the places, met with different set of people, maybe help them or support them or learn from them. maybe giving food, maybe helping Students for study, Enjoying uninvited Weddings, Late night Neon Lights, Buildings, Cultures. I think the world has lot more things to offer or maybe some Motive to life, rather than being Deppressed, So cheers man :) Also this is my mother's name that I have written on my profile, so maybe when I will reach at top someday..her name will arise. Thanks
Over the past few years, I have found several things that (usually) work for me.
Get plenty of sleep — at least 9 hours per night. Sleeping in doesn't really count — getting to bed early is much more effective. After a full week of good sleep, I am much less depressed.
Run. After running 10 miles, I always feel good about life. Sometimes I'll just start running and never want to stop. The hard part is of course getting started, especially when it is cold or dark. Trail running is ideal, but not available in all locations. If you feel too tired to run, then bike (a real bike, outside, not a stationary bike). If you are new to running, start at ~15 miles per week and don't increase more than 20% per week to avoid injury. I know you have said that you do not generally enjoy exercise, but running is very painful for the first few weeks and gets drastically more enjoyable afterwards. It is so effective for me that I would encourage you to try it for at least a month and see what happens. Once you can complete 12 miles without stopping, reevaluate.
Eat good food. The more fruits, vegetables, and pasta I eat the better I feel.
Pray. Repenting and relying on Jesus has helped me through some of my darkest times.
It can be really hard to start good habits. Sometimes when I feel like nothing I manage to force myself to get outside and start running, I end up going 15+ miles, and when I get back I am so hungry and exhausted that I eat a couple thousand calories and sleep for 11 hours... and then the next day I am sore all over and have way more mental energy and enthusiasm for life.
Music recommendations:
The art of fugue by Bach. Listen to a string quartet version (the Emmerson quartet is great).
Dvorak new world symphony
Shostakovich string quartets
Rachmaninoff preludes
Medtner tales
Weird mental hack: don't worry so much about immediate pleasure or happiness. Instead figure out what really matters to you (choose your utility function). Think about what you would want for your life if you got to choose everything you did and see it from a wider perspective, but not experience it. Maybe focus on serving others, or on learning and improving yourself. Do these things and happiness will naturally follow (or at least you can be satisfied with your life even if you are sad).
I would be happy to try to help you. If you would like to talk more please send me a codeforces dm.
Everyone says that sports, running, and exercise are only hard for the first few weeks, and then it should get easier. But I tried going to the gym, and it never got easier for me. On the contrary, it started to irritate me more and more. I don’t understand, maybe we are just built differently.
But okay, thanks, I’ll think about trying again.
I know that you have tried going to the gym and it didn't help, but have you tried running? (outside, not on a treadmill). My understanding of things like weightlifting is that you train until near-failure, so it shouldn't really become easier (you just lift more weight and reach the same level of exhaustion). Training for speed can be similar, but if you are running only for health benefits or to train endurance, it really does get easier in a way that is qualitatively different from other exercise. I have known runners who are naturally fast and runners who are slow and relatively unathletic — with training almost anyone can get to the point where they can run for multiple hours without pain. You just need to gradually increase the distance you run without worrying about increasing your speed.
Great advice. I also love running and since I started, I feel much better about myself
Just be happy about the fact that you are red
Me is newbie and get fired at every day
Oh, you are newbie? Just become red then!
bro don't believe him
his main account is red actually
You can give Art of Living's program a try. They offer Sudarshan Kriya, a powerful, scientifically proven breathing technique which can help you get out of anxiety, stress and depression. Don't worry, you'll snap out of depression very quickly. It has worked wonders for many people.
I've never experienced depression myself, and I hope I never do. But whenever I feel low or stressed (which I guess could be considered a very mild form of it), I remind myself that it's just chemicals in my brain acting up. It helps me to think of it that way—nothing external is forcing me to feel this way; it's just temporary brain chemistry.
Yup, it's just chemicals, and I’m bigger than these little troublemakers trying to mess with my mood! That’s why meditation is often advised—it helps us realize we’re more than just our thoughts and feelings. Maybe thinking this way could help, even if just a little.
To counteract it, I try to flood my system with 'good' chemicals like endorphins. For me, the easiest way to do that is through physical activity—running, playing sports, or just moving around. It doesn’t magically fix everything, but it gives me a boost and helps me reset. And hey, when I say "get some good chemicals flowing," I don’t mean drugs! That stuff will seriously mess you up. #dontdodrugs
I may not fully understand what you're going through, but I genuinely hope things get better for you. If anyone else dealing with stress finds this helpful, give it a shot! Wishing you strength, peace, and lots of happy moments ahead.
Well, to me that sounds like telling someone who got shot in the leg, "Don't worry, just remember it's just a tiny bullet, understand that you're stronger than this."
Listen to Three Days Grace
I hope that you'll eventually find joy and feel better. Sometimes I think about it and I think I might end up in a similar situation in a few years where you're in right now. I am about to head off to college for CS in a few months, and I don't even know if I really enjoy it.
If you have depression don't cry here
Go see a psychologist
Or else go work in a quant
Feed your soul, read Quran.
My soul has already been eaten; there’s no need to feed it to anyone else.
I just said the thing I feed my soul with, try it once, you won't lose anything.
Do you have any pets? Pets help a lot in curing depression. May not work for everyone but you can try. Specially a Dog :_)
Damn dude you really are just a bitch don't mean to offend you tho, but you are. You problem is that you are very reasonable and smart person, so you are trying to reason out a way to cure depression but there isn't such way. Idk how to put it right but i'd say you just shouldn't care about it. You clearly care way too much about things at least because you are shy to post it on your main account whatever. Why would you even care about such thing, what bad do you think would happen? People would show you love and compassion? Or you don't want to look stupid because you are this smart guy. And you probably care about things like meaning of life or something. Well my life has no meaning and i don't care. So my advice is stop being so smart and do something stupid or just whatever and see how it feels. And don't think of it like you are trying to beat depression because depression is not a disease. Peace
Well said brother!
If you can do something (just do stupid things, just stop caring about the meaning of life), it doesn’t mean that everyone can.
And I’m really glad that even people like you can live a normal life, it really does restore my faith in life. Not in my own, of course, but in life as a concept.
Honestly i think everyone can do that but i understand it may seem like impossible task. The hardest thing about it is that it's not really a task and if you're trying to approach it like any other task your failure is guaranteed. Hope that makes any sense.
And I don't really understand what you mean saying "people like you". I think we're all just people. If you thought that i was being rude I'm sorry because i was just trying to help
You are the one acting all "smart" here
Yeah probably. But i'm probably a bad actor since you exposed me
well said bro hope I could also be like this.
You wont find happiness on CF.
Well, I'm not looking for happiness on CF.
Then why are you posting in CF?
because you play clash royale
What? How did you know?
Oh, me too! I play Clash Royale!
I'm not going to offer you advice, because I'm not qualified nor silly enough to believe I could offer anything you aren't already aware of. Rather, I wanted to empathize with your situation.
When I started competitive programming, I was just entering my freshman year of high school. Because of COVID, I had a wealth of time that I used to do competitive programming problems. I would stay up past my sleep schedule, skip church, forego homework, etc. just to submit some more problems on CodeForces.
Eventually, this behavior turned into something of an addiction with the worst part being I was becoming more worried about getting an answer correctly than growing as a problem solver. I refused to cheat during contests, but I would often cheat myself, looking at answers early while up solving or copying solutions from other people the moment I looked at a hard problem. Before I knew it, I became stagnant and stopped progressing rating and knowledge wise.
I quit competitive programming just before my junior year. I lost interest because of my lack of progression. That can't be understated. However, what also turned me away was how toxic the community was getting. Most people that I met online were edgy teenagers who engaged in self-destructive behavior like self-depreciation and engaged in ratism whenever they could (believe it or not, being mistreated because you're a lower rating than another is mentally draining). Although I enjoyed the allure behind solving problems, I could not be in a community that promoted that academic toxicity.
Skipping a few years forward, I'm now at a top 5 university in the U.S (Top 3 for CS). Competitive Programming has undeniably played a huge role in my understanding of mathematics and computer science (even helping me with my coding interviews and online assessments), contributing to my admission. However, not everything has been perfect. I have the ability to code, all the connections in the world, but I still am figuring out what matters to me and what I want to do with my life. If you're feeling lost, please know that I am too.
I'm struggling with my religion, which is a core part of my identity. I've recently dropped a class, which has put me just above the acceptable limit for the minimum quota of credits. I've been feeling inadequate more than normal lately. It's very difficult for me to "logic" an answer to this problem. I lack direction, and as an adult I need to figure out where I want to go.
Perhaps your life has been entirely different and you cannot relate at all. But I hope that you will at least find comfort in knowing that others can with you. Please feel free to reach out if you desire, and I hope that you can the proper mental services. Thanks for sharing your story.
I think the Codeforces community is friendly enough. Especially compared to some gaming communities (if you know what I mean). Yes, there are some fools, but I’m used to ignoring them. Though in this blog, at first, I tried to reply to everyone. Now I sometimes skip messages, but I still try.
Humiliation based on rating... Well, in my opinion, any external traits influence how we perceive people. I think, to some extent, we are all sexists, racists, ratists, and so on. Sometimes I try myself in the role of a teacher and realize that I conduct exams slightly differently for girls and boys. I try not to, but it happens subconsciously. Racism is probably minimal in me, but it’s there in some form. As for "ratism" — yes, I have a bias toward people with high ratings. When Um_nik left his comment, I even wrote to him in DMs and asked a couple of questions, even though I never messaged anyone else first from this account. But I try to read all messages and hear everyone. And to be honest, the most valuable advice I’ve received so far came from gray and cyan people.
I don’t mind messaging, but I don’t always have time for it. I try to eventually reply to all emails that require a response, though sometimes with delays. I’m not ready to communicate in any other way for now.
Thanks!
Hi.
I'm 18 years old, and I overcame my depression. Before I did however, I, like you, did not want to live. My main account is orange, but I am posting it here since people I know IRL know that it belongs to me.
I was severely depressed for most of my high school years. I won't go into detail as to the causes, but it was something related to family quarrels. I was hospitalized once for repeated suicide attempts and had to skip school nearly every day because I couldn't get out of bed.
It's really difficult to remember what it was really like to be depressed, because I have a limited memory of my life back then. I think it's a mixture of my brain blocking out unhappy memories and me simply not being lucid all the time.
Similarly, it's really difficult to pinpoint the exact moment in time I felt 'better'. Like you, I tried a myriad of things in an attempt to get better (thanks to my family's help, of course): Lifting, cooking, dieting (this one led to an eating disorder, NOT recommended), and even training for my country's Informatics Olympiad.
Honestly, I can say that at least 90% of my recovery is due to my medication and my competent psychiatrist. BUT, I can also say that no matter how much modern medicine improves, how much we can learn from a CT scan, no matter how precise we can get down the causes of depression, all of it is ultimately futile if you are unwilling to help yourself.
While it's ultimately a superficial judgement of you, based on the small side of you I can see from the comments you've left, I see that you're deep within a well you've dug filled with self-pity. No judgements, I know what it feels like. However, you must try your absolute hardest to pull yourself out. I for one, did not know how to do this. If it weren't for my friends and family forcing me to leave the house, hang out, and exercise, I might still be in that dark place (or even worse!)
Who cares if the workout at the gym sucked today? Stick with it! You don't change the world overnight. I think it's a miracle how I was able to overcome depression. And as someone who knows exactly how much it eats you up alive, I wish the best to your recovery.
Much love from Korea.
Reading through your comments I want to ask: Have you ever in your life sincerely enjoyed physical sport or physical activity?
Because there is a chance that you approach it from a completely wrong direction. Running yourself down at the gym awaiting for a relief from exercising becoming easier, might end up you never getting such relief in observable future leaving you deep in frustration and unable to continue.
In fact things are not meant to become easier in a way that no matter how trained you are you will still have a way to push yourself to certain levels of exhaustion. It might take hours instead of minutes later on, but you'll still eventually face the same feelings. Thus, instead of expecting feelings to change, you can start with pushing yourself just a little into exhaustion and frustation to let yourself adapt to them. To mentally accept that being exhausted is not the end of your life, it's not a permanent damage, it's not a state that your mind needs to actively fight against, it's just another normal state of yourself that you are able to enter at will and reliably bounce back. Once you'll have no frustration and no temptation to resist doing any exercise, your habit is basically formed and you are ready to wait for desired improvements as long as it takes.
I don’t really understand what you’re talking about. Fatigue isn’t the end of life. But I don’t like this state.
Let’s compare to, for example, physical pain. You don’t like banging your head against a wall, and you probably won’t be able to convince yourself that it’s “just one of the normal states.” I feel about physical exhaustion the same way I feel about pain. I don’t like it. I can tolerate it, but banging my head against a wall for half an hour a day... Sooner or later, it becomes unbearably difficult to keep going.
There is a whole category of sports where banging something against someone's head is a regular occurence — martial arts of various kinds. And I see no problem with it, when it's done with all the safety measures.
Physical pain is an indicator of body damage and is unsafe to ignore. But let's suppose there is a routine that
then yes, personally I would accept going through such routine regularly and view it as "just one of the normal states" of myself.
And I feel like majority of things in this world work like this. Almost anything has parts that irritate you more or less, but just because some irritating parts exist you do not completely drop the whole thing right away, because you evaluate things by their total effect.
Immediate feelings aren't the most accurate way to evaluate things anyway. While feelings are unlikely to change, changing your perception of such feelings might be enough to keep going with something. For a better example: having devoted enough time to CP, you definitely have had enough irritating experiences with some aspects of it, but that's not a valid reason to drop it, is it?
+1
shoutout to qusay1
I don't know if this is a right advice, but if you're depressed and nothing cheers you up, you could stop trying to be happy. Maybe focus on something easier to improve.
Shoutout to AnteMortem for bringing many depressed people altogether and being depressed as a group.
This might help brother.
You need to come out might be the solution, see all has problems and letting the world know doesn't make any difference for the world, but for us it does.
Hope you recover